The Foundry · Thoughts

Inadequate Looking forward instead of back – Part 2 

Hi all, Ru back here with the second part of my inadequate post. I don’t think I ever did a two-parter, I thought the full post was very long.

You can find the first part here.

I work as an advisor for the company, my confidence in my ability to work now is very high. I can do the job easily, there are many things that are not difficult anymore. Challenging yes, but difficult, no. However, my work has given me a script to follow, something I am very used to doing. So my work becomes not very difficult. It is very hard for me to apply this script elsewhere. Ali says I don’t seem at all nervous when talking to groups of people, and my skills from work help here. But I still feel nervous, because I think these people aren’t lacking.

I think my mind is lacking in ways, it boils down to the fact that certain things go way over my head. Be it social interactions, to the way I should act. I don’t know much about myself, I feel like I did. In front of friends, family, and Ali I will stumble, not work though. I feel that because of the script that my work is I will hardly ever stumble, in fact in the last 2.5 years I have worked there everything is easy, sure when I started it was hard, but that is like all jobs. It slowly became very easy, and that’s why I doubt I will stumble there.

However that is not true elsewhere, I am naive in ways, that is another word that I have connected with recently. In regards to my family, I have learned a lot of new things and that’s partly because I have never really connected with them.

Social interactions will fly over my head, the way I should act or not. What I should do or not, over the last two decades that has gotten me into trouble with my family and elsewhere. That lack is still getting me into trouble because for every bit of push I get to change or adapt, I am very slow or clueless.

I freeze at the first sign of confrontation, I don’t know what to do. I write about conflict in my stories and battles between peoples and nations but I don’t know too much about it in real life.

I am learning, but it is still my first reaction. I never really know what to say in the moment, but an hour later once the situation has died down I will replay the whole scene out in my head and run through different scenarios. Is it my head trying to find resolutions or defend itself, I am not sure.

I am working on that, to try and better myself. I meditate, I try to not listen to music mindlessly and I try to take a few minutes out of what I am doing and think. It isn’t going to be an easy process, nothing really is. But I am trying, ever since I knew that I had this issue. I do want to get better and I will. I think starting those classes near my 19th birthday was my first big step, before that point I was a shy individual prone to anxiety, now I can say I am pretty confident in things. This part of me is another thing to work at, not to destroy or leave it behind. But for me to adapt to it, for me to use it as a plus instead of something that holds me back.


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