I am back with a slightly different post than normal, I have wanted to do slightly longer posts, primarily aimed at digging into subjects and issues. Below is my first attempt, something that has been on my mind today.
Emotion is an all encompassing word, I am not good with it. Throughout my whole life, I have bottled up my emotion, whatever the situation. There have only been a few times in my life where my emotions have run free, and those times are countable.
Now with emotions, I usually bottle them up, file them away in some small corner of my mind. Whenever I feel angry, pissed, sad, happy or anything else they last a few moments to minutes before I move onto something else. I never stop and focus on them, just brush them aside and go on to the next emotion or thought.
I am sometimes pissed at people that take up most of the sideway where there is only space enough for two people to walk abreast. I dislike it when two people are walking towards me and they expect me to walk onto the road and endanger myself, I think to myself “No, I will not move onto the road.” I bullheaded stay on my path getting pissed as they stay on their path and only move at the last second.
At work, I feel sad for a customer and their plight, throughout the conversation I would feel sad or unhappy at their situation and try to help them. But that last only as long as the interaction, I have more than likely completely forgotten about them by my next interaction. Now I know this is partly due to my work environment, I have to usually forget about the previous customer or they can weigh down on me as extra baggage. But in general, this process isn’t really good, because it is leaking into my home life.
Now all the above is stuff I am only now starting to realise, through the last 26 years of my life I have been very unaware of it. These thoughts and feelings have been hidden from me, partly due to my own naivety in not recognising them and partly due to upbringing I feel. Naivety because I never sat down and gave any thought as to why I was angry one moment and laughing the next and upbringing because in my family I have never really felt close to anyone. I have two older brothers an older sister, now they are all close, very tight-knit. But I have always felt like an outsider to them, them sharing their jokes and me always looking in, usually staying silent in their conversations.
That partly my fault for not trying to interact more, but it is hard to fight familial stereotypes, in my family, I am the ‘idiot’. I have never had the good grades, or smarts like my siblings have. To be fair when I was younger I was pretty dumb so it did fit, but now as I am older I am now more rounded individual, but those stereotypes still remain.
Usually, in these moments I do feel annoyed or angry and do generally tend to bite my tongue because this is the way it has always been. I do often get things wrong even today, but I feel like I own up to them. However, sometimes like the above only reinforce past stereotypes. I acknowledge to myself that I have been wrong, and I do follow people’s advice that I feel is relevant or smart. I read lots of blogs, articles and other types of information to better enrich myself.
The stereotype remains, I am an ‘idiot’. Every time before I would get angry at these comments, or certain actions others would take and they would fly under my internal rader and lodge inside myself. These lead to how my character developed I feel, turning me into a very shy and introverted individual. I am no longer shy, or at least not as shy as when I was in school. I can now hold a conversation with people, hell I help trained professionals in their own jobs now. But that was after a couple of years of work, years where I put myself in situations that I couldn’t fathom as a younger man and with in this specifically with little help from my family.
I don’t hold resentment for them, they are the way they are and I am my own way. It is only recently that I am realising all these emotions within myself and how bloody powerful they can be. how stifling and controlling of a person’s actions they can be. They if not checked can be very destructive, the can stop an individual from achieving their full potential.
I have started to meditate, not much right now but enough. I am doing 10 minutes of meditation, via an app called Headspace. It is soothing, and the guy’s voice is wonderful in the way he directs the flow of thoughts. I feel it is helping, already I can see incremental improvements in certain actions of my day. From closing the door and leaving it, I used to walk up to my road on my way to work, only to come back as I reached the end of the road and check that my door was closed. I sometimes did this as many as 10 times, it as infuriating. Now though I can see a small change, that while I still am coming back to check, it isn’t as many times as before.
It is better.
Emotions are important things, they cannot be ignored. Or if they are then they cannot be ignored for long, something will happen that will wake them. Be it because they are being used in a destructive form or because some outside force has noticed it and brought out an understanding of it.
I guess what I am saying is that we shouldn’t bottle up my emotion. While stating the above and only starting this journey, I now realise that I am still bottling up my emotions in my day to day life, and it is not good. I will get better at processing and showing my emotions. In good ways. I don’t want to jump to the other side of the spectrum and be too emotional, but right now it would be good for myself to express more.
I think one thing I realised from my previous two posts is that I do enjoy people around me, while I am not an extrovert but I do like people. My friends especially, I enjoy hanging out with them. But I don’t ever seem to tell them that, I usually do not meet often with them anymore and when we do it is usually due to a special event. That is likely due to busy lives we lead, but people even with busy lives do make time for friends and that is what I want to do.
Being around people I enjoy can help in this regards, I truly think so.
I feel like I am now stepping away from the main point which is Emotions, so, for now, I will end this post here.